Mr Caramel the Astronaut

If I tell Mr Caramel I want to be an Astronaut I expect him to say "YES, why the fuck not!" There are a million reasons why I can't actually be an Astronaut but I do not need him to point out each and every one. What I expect is for him to list every reason why I could would be a great one and what I need to do to get there. There are so many people that will tell you "You can't do this/it's not possible" but that means nothing when my cheerleader is shouting louder for me to succeed then anyone is booing for my downfall.

Your partner needs to be able to dream with you. The biggest part of opening up is not your legs, it's sharing your deepest hopes and dreams. The ones you don't want to tell anybody for fear they may laugh and ridicule you (I know you can relate to that). It's knowing you can come up with something ridiculous and your partner will not laugh but will do anything to help you get there.

Want to find out if you've got your very own cheerleader? Go and tell them you want to be an Astronaut (or your real dream!) and see what they say. Share your story below if you do this and with how they reacted.

Robbin da Good

Beware the man....#4

One ex boyfriend I had used to share a room with his brother. It consisted of two single beds separated by a large dresser in the middle. The first time I slept over his brother spent the night in the living room so that we could have some privacy.

My boyfriend and I spent the night having sex on the floor as there was not enough room for both of us on the single bed. Plus the mattress would squeak with every tiny movement. It would have been an enjoyable evening bar the fact I needed to let out a fart the entire time. We had not built up enough of a relationship where I was able to do this freely so instead I spent the night with stomach cramps.

The family flat was so small that even if I went to the bathroom to release there was a large possibility somebody would hear or even smell it. To make matters worse his favourite position was Doggy Style which was just dangerous considering my situation.

I left early the next morning as the pain had become too much. Walking down the street I tried to push it out. For something that was so keen earlier to escape it was doing a mighty good job of staying put.

I had to travel on a bumpy bus for forty five minutes. Half n hour into it I thought I'd make it home safe. I was wrong. I felt incredibly sick and had to get off right then. Not before letting out an uncontrollable burp in front of a bus packed full of people. 

I then threw up over a wall along a busy road.

Lesson learned: Beware the man....who doesn't have enough space for you to fart.

Robbin da Good

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A new post will be up on Monday as usual.

Robbin da Good

The caramel series #2

Every couple has 'weird' stuff that they do together. I'm not even talking sexual. I mean strange nicknames and inside jokes that only you find funny. I think this helps to keep the relationship fun. 

Sometimes living together means you can be so focused on whose turn it is to do the washing up (or load the dishwasher-you lucky bastards) that you forget the fun shit. You don't need to have lots of money to go on date nights to keep things alive.

For example Mr Caramel calls me 'hard nuts' and I call him 'hard fanny' in return. You're probably thinking what the hell, but it's the simple things people. I'm not suggesting you name your partner after genitalia. I'm just glad he's not calling me 'babes'. It's something unique to us and that's what makes it  special. Every time we use the names we smile. So we laugh daily together and that helps to remind us that we do enjoy each other's company. 

I love to play pranks on Mr Caramel. When he's due home from work I've hidden in the coat closet and jumped out and scared him half to death. One time it didn't go to plan and he accidentally (or so he says) put his bike up against said closet and ended up trapping me in there. If he uses the toilet I will sometimes turn off the light from the outside. It really makes me laugh to think of him shitting in the dark. Please don't think I'm torturing him, he loves it really. 

Our living room rug is where we wrestle. One of us will shout 'to the wrestling arena' and grapple the other to the ground. Our bodies our close but it's not at all sexual. Do you and your partner touch apart from at sexy time?

Enjoy the little quirks that you and your partner have! They keep you bonded.

What do you and your partner do? 

Robbin da good

Beware the man....#3

My ex long term boyfriend used to sneak me into his house in the middle of the night when his mum was asleep. This was because in the five years we were together I was never introduced to her, so was kept like a dirty secret. Knowing my luck the 'mum' was probably his secret wife. Maybe a bit of a far fetched theory as we were both in our teens but who knows? (clearly not me)

This particular visit was for a quickie. One so quick we didn't even make it upstairs to the bed but instead to the downstairs toilet which didn't have enough room for us both to stand up in. Having to be creative with such limited space he sat on the toilet seat (lid down obviously) and I straddled him. I was bouncing away merrily when we heard a loud sound. We paused thinking it was his 'mum' coming downstairs but there was no further noise so we carried on. A louder noise followed and again we paused and continued. When we'd finished we stood up and half the toilet seat lid fell into the toilet.

He told his 'mum' he had broken it by standing on the lid to try and kill a spider. This should have been my clue he was a master liar.

Lesson learned: Beware the man....who ignores the crack. AND always buy a wooden toilet seat.

Robbin da Good

Beware the man....#2

I met this really fit guy-in a gym no less. He definitely wasn't conventionally good looking but he had muscles and was able to pick me up. Something which I learned when we snuck of to the cycle room and he had me balancing on his thighs whilst kissing me. I hadn't thought too much of him up until this point but I'd found his USP and was most definitely sold.

This guy was super confident. Tall, dark and muscly and had his own place. He wasn't shy about mentioning this regularly.

Well the thighs had got to me and I soon found myself standing outside his house ready and waiting to be let in. He had promised a romantic evening in, where I would be wined and dined. I knew shagging would be for desert (mama didn't raise no fool)

His 'house' turned out to be a Victorian semi that had been split in two, he lived in the bottom flat. House..flat..no biggie..at least it wasn't his family home. He gave me a quick tour and when I say quick I mean seconds. This was because the only furniture he had was a bed. No TV, no sofa, no pictures, no nothing. It literally was a sex den. I sat on the bed as it was either that or the floor. He explained he'd just moved in. Err that's something you mention BEFORE your guest arrives. Still I brushed it off.

He disappeared to the kitchen and returned a minute later with a half empty packet of biscuits (NOTE: half empty, not half full). He offered me one to which I declined. He then much to my surprise closed the bedroom door behind him and sat on the bed next to me.

No furniture and no food and I still shagged him. He was my first American guy and he lived up to the stereotypes- he did EVERYTHING. No corner was left unturned.

He insisted on cuddles after (I hadn't heard about this part!?) I didn't resist though mainly because it was dark and I didn't really know where I was. So there we were in the dark when he whispered "What would you say if I said I killed someone?"
My eyes felt like they were going to drop out of my head they popped so much. Trapped under his anaconda arm he fell asleep whilst I waited for the morning sun so I could leave. I tried to wriggle away a couple of times but he was built like a bear and I was stuck. He shouted a few times in his sleep which didn't really help his case.

Did I make it out alive? Erm..obviously! That was just the weirdest sex talk I'd ever heard. Needless to say I dodged his calls and never returned to the gym.

Lesson learned: Beware the man who brags. I prefer a man who brags about the size of his dick rather then anything and everything else.

Is this typical for American guys? Because I was scarred for life and for this reason he was my one and only American experience.

Robbin da Good

The caramel series #1

I don't care how 'perfect' you and your partner are- he/she is guaranteed to piss you off. This is something I found hard to grasp and would often bite my tongue when Mr Caramel fucked me off.

Sometime on and I've realised the shut up method will build resentment. And boy does it build. I'd find myself watching TV and casting him the dirtiest looks I could produce, much to his bewilderment. That confused face would piss me off even more and I'd think how can he not know why! Errrr because the poor sod isn't a mind reader-that's why! (And tbh thank gosh he isn't ;)

 I thought I could bury angry feelings/murderous thoughts but after an incident in the kitchen where I exploded over a bacon sandwich I knew I couldn't.

Now don't get me wrong. I am probably one of the most laid back people but Mr Caramel has seen me really loose it. FYI I don't loose it in a dignified way. I got so angry after said  sandwich incident that I threw my glasses off my face and screamed like Tarzan. I then couldn't see to find them and he watched whilst I patted around the floor before eventually storming off, glasses-less and blind.

My point? Just fucking say if something has annoyed you. A simple I didn't like that/it pissed me off because of X, Y and Z is SO much better (and dignified) then a screaming match.

So stop and think. Are you angry with your partner? Have you ever TOLD he/she why? Spell it out people! If they don't listen then yeah be angry cos they're an ass pipe.

Robbin da Good

The caramel series

'The caramel series' is based on my current relationship. I say current but I really mean this is the man I think I will spend my life with. We've been together one and half years and lived together pretty much from the get go. Moving in with him so soon meant the sexy illusion was quickly blown. I learnt his farts could travel rooms and without weekly clippings his toenails suggested he could be half eagle (his mothers side if I had to guess).

So this series will be everything I have learned (and am still learning) about how to keep the fire burning. How to keep that deep level of love and respect which I believe is the foundation of any good, lasting relationship. This is everything from sex to buying eggs.

This particular segment will be published every Friday- starting 30.05.14. Check back tomorrow and feel free to share any tips you may have.

Robbin da Good

Beware the man....

I used to sneak my boyfriend of the time home to fuck- it was either that or the KFC toilets. I know I definitely preferred the former compared to banging in a tiny cubicle where the woman in the one next to us was either having an asthma attack or pushing out a huge shit.

So silent fucking it was with games of Connect Four  thrown in during the breaks. We'd normally play best of three and the loser would have to go down on the other one; I always won : )

The problem was he used to fuck with his mouth wide open or grimace like he was lifting something heavy. Little noises would escape him every now and again but that was the most passionate shit got. One night he was on top poking away when he started stroking my hair (on my head, this isn't set in the 60's). Now this struck me as strange enough to strain my neck to investigate what was going on because this guy was definitely not the hair stroking type. He tilted my head back down and the touching stopped but the fucking continued. We laid on my single bed together for a while after before I had to sneak him back out.

With him gone and alone downstairs the adrenaline had worn off and I no longer had to take pigeon steps to avoid the creaking floorboards. Full motion had returned and I could feel my ass cheeks sticking together. He either had Spider-Man cum or my vagina had collapsed from the front to the back from the shagathon.

I returned to bed to inspect with my legs up and a mirror in between. The Spider-Man theory was looking very likely as spreading my butt cheeks I could see a long sticky stretch of white- chewing gum.

OK it wasn't the 60's but it was a time before my crack had been introduced to wax so gum was literally stuck in my ass hair. It took a hot bath and shower gel to lubricate it off,. Thankfully/not so thankfully (depending on how you look at it) no ass hair was lost in the process.

Lesson learned: Beware the man.... Who chews gum in bed

Robbin da Good
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